i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
the raccoons are back...
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