either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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