Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
