I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
