I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
