I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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