I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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