remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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