just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
