GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
