i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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