I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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