i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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