She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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