I'm eating all of the evidence.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
