i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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