Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
