hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
