dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
