Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
