I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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