sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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