God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Boobs are out for the taking
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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