I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
