how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
