since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He shit in the fireplace
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize