I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You're so nebulous sometimes
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize