when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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