My underwear smells like fireworks.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
