that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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