if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
