Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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