I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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