What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
