I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
