turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
