He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
