Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
