Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
