I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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