Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
