I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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