What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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