you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
