I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
