never play flip cup with pint glasses
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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