Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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