Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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