You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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