Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
