Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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