My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
