Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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