my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
