A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
