my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
