You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Come share oat with me in your robe
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
