I cockslap morals
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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