She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
