So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
