Need sex. Gaining weight.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
A bitchslap is in order.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
