Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
