Dude my mom stole all your condoms
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
