I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
