you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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