She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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