He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
