I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
