At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
